Love, Loss & Grief

Absent & Delayed Grief

Not everyone cries. Not everyone feels their loss immediately or in the same way. But no one should be judged because “every grieving person looks different; there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and some will cope better”, according to Grief Centre general manager Katrina King.

Burstows Funerals has partnered with the Grief Centre to offer ongoing free support for up to a year to those who have lost a loved one.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because people don’t show their grief outwardly they are not feeling it just as strongly, struggling internally, or perhaps feeling they have to be strong for others, Katrina cautions. Triggers such as an anniversary or other special occasions can often lead someone who had considered themself to be dealing well with loss, or “moving on with life” to “crash” and reach out for help.

“It’s a case of giving yourself to that moment and acknowledging that it’s okay to feel that way,” Katrina said.

“That person you love is no longer physically alive but you will carry them with you forever. You will always have that grief – it sounds harsh, but you don’t get over a deep loss – you will always hold onto that person in your heart and think about them. But I’m a big advocate of hope and belief and that there are also wonderful moments to come.”

Resilience

Katrina pointed to the experiences of Dr. Lucy Hone, a leader in resilience psychology who specialises in grief after the tragic death of her 12-year-old daughter in a car accident.

To foster resilience, Lucy realised she needed to become an “active participant” in her grief – to focus on what can be controlled, face all her emotions and adapt in what was such a potentially overwhelming situation.

The first step was cultivating hope. “That’s a really essential ingredient of resilience: the belief that you will get through this somehow,” Lucy said.

Another was identifying what helped her in her grief journey, such as photos, personal items and rituals, cooking a favourite meal or visiting a favourite place, and meeting with friends. Also, identifying what was negative, or harming her, such as poring over “what if” questions. “It puts us back in the driver’s seat, enabling us to detect thoughts or behaviours that only make us feel worse,” she said.

There is no need to remove those things that remind you of your loved one, rather the opposite is true, with contemporary bereavement research showing that it is healthier to nurture an ongoing connection even without your loved one’s physical presence.

What to Say When There’s Nothing to Say

Too often, people walk away from someone in grief because they are unsure of what to say, Katrina said, leading to yet another loss for the mourner, and potentially feelings of isolation.

“It’s important to be empathetic rather than sympathetic,” Katrina said. That means walking alongside the person experiencing grief, perhaps admitting “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you”, or “I hear you, would you like to tell me more?” This is quite different to saying “I’m sorry and either launching into your own experiences or trying to give false cheer, finding a silver lining by stating “at least …” or minimising the hurt by saying “time heals”.

Give people the opening to talk about the person they have lost, to use their name, and let them continue to be part of that person’s life.

The funeral is over, so what now?

A Year of Free Ongoing Grief Care

Experiencing the death of a loved one changes us and our world as we know it. So what happens once the funeral is over and that initial outpouring of support from family and friends begins to wane. "Life goes on", they say... but so does grief.

At Burstows, we know that healing from grief and loss is a journey, and that everyone needs support of different types and to different degrees along the way. That's why, as well as being there for you ourselves professionally, practically and emotionally in those first crucial days and weeks around the funeral, we partner with the Grief Centre to offer free ongoing grief care and counselling as needed for up to a year.

Grief Centre general manager Katrina King explained that the charitable trust has been working in New Zealand since 2009 and offering bereavement support in Australia since 2019. "Sometimes having someone outside your own circumstances can allow you to feel free to release your grief," she said.

Your Grief Companion

A Grief Companion from the Centre gives you a "wellbeing call" 6-8 weeks after the funeral, "providing a safe space to talk about your loss and how you are feeling", Katrina said.

"We know this is a good time to offer support because the formalities and practicalities of the funeral, paperwork and documents are over, and friends and family are beginning to move on, often leaving the grieving person without that immediate support they still need. By checking in during those early stages, we can help catch those who are not coping, or who know other family members who might need support." Grief Companions are highly qualified and compassionate and can offer unlimited phone support, but anyone needing additional professional help can be referred on to a Grief Counsellor.

Katrina said people often think that those who have experienced unexpected and traumatic loss, or the loss of a young person, will have a more difficult grief journey. But grief has no hierarchy, and anyone can struggle.

Elderly people who have lost a lifetime partner, someone who has been the centre of their world for decades, can really be overwhelmed by their grief. "They often say when the Grief Companion calls that they are so glad to talk freely about their person, their life and their loss, to laugh and cry and have someone there to listen because they say they don't want to burden family and friends," she explained.

"There can also be multiple griefs. When someone dies, it can change our friend groups, how we live, we may have to move home, so it's about the bereavement itself but it can also be about transition grief, having to accept unexpected changes which you may not be comfortable with.

"Families can also be complicated, and there can be guilt about things said and not said, and complicated relationships that weren't repaired before the death, all of which can play a part in someone's journey."

Physical and Mental Symptoms

Grief is not just about feeling sad, it can be a "whole body experience," Katrina said, the extent of which often surprises people. "It can be overwhelming at first - you can feel sick, shake, not sleep or be constantly tired, your brain can seem like it's barely functioning... but it's all your brain's way of coping with something so difficult to take in."

It's important, she says, to understand that this is all normal: you can and will get through it. Also important, is to understand that it's not as simple as "going through" the five stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance) we have heard about - it's a continuum of emotions which can occur and reoccur in any order as you learn to move forward with your life and grief.

Tending to self-care - reading, talking, creating, exercising, listening to music, meditating, getting out into nature - finding the right supports and nurturing hope and belief, are all vital to moving through grief, she said. So too is accepting the bad days alongside the good.

"The sad fact is that loss is everywhere and it's something we all have to go through - we don't move on but we can definitely move forward."